Bock-Hughes Family

Kay Wagner on Patriarchy and Class

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My father's role is best described by the word dominance - yet as I consider his part in each act of the play I am not certain why he received such a high position in the family hierarchy. As I look at his contributions from a sociological point of view he plays a rather small part. The answer must lie in the fact that early orientation (in the Wagner household) has led me to believe that the economic function is all-important. My father is the breadwinner, thus the rest of the family is subservient as well as dependent according to his line of reasoning. Sociologists note that children sometimes see weaknesses in their families which they try to correct by following an opposite pattern when they marry. This theory may account for my father's dominant role since both of my grandfathers played subordinate roles to very domineering women.

My father's values are invested in the thought that a man must provide a good living and Dad tries to do this as best he can.

Any fight is ended immediately when mother says, "Here comes your father" or action is restrained when a sibling says "I'll tell Dad." I like to believe it is respect for his wishes that makes us hyperconscious regarding our behavior. Instead I believe that following his dictates is a mechanism used to avoid his terrific temper.

Childrearing is attributed to mother with the same assumption that she is to bear the children. "You raise them" typifies my father's attitude towards us: he justifies this by the fact that he is rarely home. My mother's easy manner in fulfilling this role brings much criticism from my father since he believes you should "knock them down" if they refuse to obey.

I can imagine nothing more humorous than my father in an apron for my mother assumes the role of home management completely. Because mother sews for other people and several of the grandchildren are usually there is less order to the household than my father desires. He frequently remarks "you should be able to have the house cleaned by 10:00 and sit in a rocking chair the rest of the day." Obviously he does not appreciate the role of a homemaker.

Marie Wagner is a mother in every sense of the word, including companionship. As we children become absorbed in our teen-age and adult life I'm afraid this companionship is not reciprocated. This is unfortunate for mother because my parents' interests are so diverse. Relaxation to my father is card-playing and beer-drinking - to my mother it is good books and religious activities. This lack of companionship seems to have no effect on my father but mother resents his refusal to spend time with her, his inability to enjoy any of the things she enjoys and his delegation of any intellectual endeavor.

My grandparents were all deceased before my arrival so there has been little association with relatives other than several aunts and uncles whom we get along with pleasantly but feel no close attachment for.

In our small community (twenty-five hundred inhabitants) most activity centers around the school and church. Mother plays a significant role in both of these areas. Just as in the other areas there seems to be no effect on we children because our early orientation led us to the assumption that a man's role is economic and a mother accepts the other roles as her duty. Mother's participation is above average but not to the extent that she neglects her family in any way.

the roles of the Wagner family have been very clearly defined. I reiterate my father assumes the economic role and delegates all other to mother although he does criticize her as she carries out these roles. The worse effect of this role assignment is that we children carry a rather odd definition of role assignment into a marriage with a mate whose own definition is usually quite different. An example might be that I cannot imagine myself letting a man dry a dish or cook a meal and some men like to do these things.

At home there never seemed to be any question that the family was patricentric. After being almost removed from the home for three years I think we have a democratic household. The reason for the fallacy in thinking within the hoe can be attributed to the dominance of my father but actually many things are decided without even consulting him. The latter is not unknown to him and he angrily accuses us of keeping everything from him. The shift of power from parents to the younger generation that Kirkpatrick mentions has taken place in my family. Even if this were not a general trend it would probably happen in a family such as ours where there is a twenty-one year span between the oldest and youngest child. A more liberal nature seems to evolve after several children have gone through their adolescence and begun to "raise their parents." the most peculiar note that I would make here is that at no time has mother had a major share of power. I would think that a usual transition might be from patricentric to an equality of power between the parents and then to a child-centered family. In our case, I believe the power shift has been from father to children.

There are six children of which I am fifth. My ordinal position would probably have had a lesser effect on me had I not come to an early realization that my younger sister and I were accidents as opposed to being planned parts of the family. This realization was not a result of rejection but just an obvious conclusion since my brother was nearly old enough to be my father.

Favoritism has expressed itself several times in my family and not in a subtle manner. My brother Max was an intelligent, personable, kind boy whom everyone held in high esteem. His accidental death at the age of eighteen was almost too great for my parents to bear. I'm sure I will never know the full impact this had on my father although I am certain of the intensity. He had been the favorite and afterwards the attention seemed to have shifted to my next oldest sister who had been "the baby" for seven years until my arrival. Any lack of security that might have been fostered on my part was compensated for by my oldest sister, Joy, who claimed me as her own. Our devotion was mutual and for that reason alleviated most of the animosity which arose from Sue's being the favored child. By the time I was five there were only three of us left at home so I never knew the interrelationships of six children within the home. As we grew up it seemed as though we did not get along at all; however, as I observe other families I believe our sibling relationship was pretty normal.

Insofar as effects of a large family are concerned, I think of several; selfish tendencies usually are not tolerated, the privileges of older siblings build resentment toward them, and interference of older children when it comes to your own freedom seems quite unfair.

The rivalry for affection was never paramount because Sue won at such an early age and further rivalries were minimized because of our very different talents. Joy is a dancer, Sue has the "wonderful" personality, Portia is beautiful and my accomplishments are mostly academic. I have been the only one to attend college and older brothers and sisters join in parental pride concerning my accomplishments. Their reaction is quite different, and one of jealousy, when they think that my parents are giving me any assistance.

I do not know whether my close attachment to teachers was fostered in attempts to find substitute parents or because I excelled in academics and thus found favor among them. I claimed teachers as friends and thought of them in that way more often than I did classmates. this pattern started very early in grammar school and carried through high school. Perhaps this carries its effect now as I feel close to many administrators and am considering going on in student personnel.

Demonstrative is a word which fits our family members in that this permeates our emotions and overt actions. We show everything that we feel. We appear affectionate because we throw our arms around each other and kiss our parents goodbye but I'm certain other families are as close without demonstrating their feelings. We have quick tempers and may say terrible things to one another but it is then out of our system and completely forgotten fifteen minutes later. This characteristic of saying it all and then forgetting about it is very good when you are around people like yourself but most frustrating when in contact with reserved persons who do not disclose their anxieties and resent your outspokenness.

The seriousness with which my father under takes his occupation rather than the occupation per se has been a source of conflict in several facets of our family life. My father is an automobile salesman who spends an unbelievable amount of time on the job. He averages a full twelve hours per day, six days a week and usually five hours on Sunday. The long hours plus the constant strain of being glib and talking about unimportant things to prospects as he is persuading them to spend $3500 makes him too weary to carry on the same chatter at home. We attempt to talk about business but people either are or aren't purchasing cars so that ends that topic. He hates gossip, has no interest in religion or books, and is so vehement about politics that we try to avoid the subject. Thus he seldom has the time or interest to carry on a conversation with us. th effect this has on we children is that we again become used to an unrealistic role of the father. Further than that we become closer to mother since she is so willing to hear and discuss our problems.

My father's pay is dependent upon business fluctuations since he is paid on commissions. During those months when business is slight or GM goes on strike, the increased tension makes everyone uncomfortable . Probably we have all resolved not to be or marry salesmen.

As non-radical Methodists we are much less than devout in our religious life. Mother attends church regularly and takes an active part, while Dad attends at Christmas and Easter, and the rest of us attend regularly without any pressure to do so. I think mother is the only one who has been deeply moved spiritually. We all think more of her because her closeness to God but do not seem to be searching for the same thing. I know that religious experience has kept Mother going when nothing else could have filled the void. The rest of us are rather lackadaisical Christians. My father's religion is a strange kind, almost incongruous with his nature, i.e. everything else about him is so open and overt. He does wonderful things like taking food to poor people, buying clothes for a ragged paperboy, or going to see old people. These are things that the family has only found out by accident. I have never heard him mention God nor does he talk about church except to say that he won't go because so many hypocrites attend and missionaries are a waste of money.

The only conflict arose when my sister married a Catholic. Everyone accepted it but no one seemed to approve. I might add that she is a much better Catholic than she was a Methodist. Lately, I have been questioning religion and especially as it is expressed in the Methodist Church. Therefore, I would marry outside our denomination at least to the extent of Catholicism, however Buddhism or Judaism would be extremes that I would not even consider. I believe that religion in our home guides many decisions which we are conscious of in terms of honesty and integrity.

There has been very few attempts to influence the dating practices or choice of mates of any of the children but me. My mother has made increasing demands as I receive honors or recognition which makes it appear possible for me to marry into the upper class. More than anything she wants me to marry a successful man. Her definition of success consists of professional titles punctuated with .... As I become more involved in campus activities, I cut my social life to a minimum which displeases mother because I think she's afraid I will have less chance of making the right marriage after I leave college.

There has never been any rigid enforcement as to what time we get in or where we go etc. The only objection from my mother came when I dated a thirty-year-old divorcee and I know she doubted his intentions. In high school I fell in love with the music teacher. Mother treated the situation lightly but my father checked closely as my whereabouts for a while. He needn't have been concerned because George treated me like a little sister.

Mother stated a rule once which I have always seen fit to follow. "Never date anybody that you couldn't marry." This actually says a great deal which I deem relevant. My parents' expectations and faith in me has a great deal to do with my behavior on dates especially after I went with a fellow for four years. I just couldn't imagine how they would react if I were to become sexually involved so I would do anything to avoid their disappointment.

I know courtship practices have changed a lot in the past forty years since my parents dated. Now we date just for fun, a drink, a party, anything to have a good time. Often girls go out with twenty different men during a year, this would have been interpreted as sinful forty years ago. Girls usually expect men to have a car and take them someplace nice but social life hadn't reached such a peak then. Sex may have been indulged in by some promiscuous couple in the twenties but it wasn't such an integral part of dating as it has recently become. Jim often walked in and kissed me hello in front of my mother - I trade shady jokes with male friends - evening gowns and bathing suits are strapless - fellows and girls discuss and talk openly about sex. the above illustrate great changes in courtship practices from forty years ago to now. Some may not be brand new revelations but at least they were not accepted forty years ago as they are now.

Baltimore, Ohio is a small rural community so the family has not yet become fully urbanized. My maternal ancestors owned plantations in the South and still engaged in large-scale farming as they came to Ohio. My father's people were all farmers as far as I know. Dad and Mother attempted to farm after they were married but my father just didn't know enough about it and lost a great deal of money trying to learn. I am unable to see any correlation between birth rate, the educational level and the fact that we now live in town. Naturally my father would be farming instead of selling cars if we lived on a farm and mother would probably have to be more concerned with gathering eggs than the Ladies' Aid Society. The standard of living appears quite different because farm people are less likely to place emphasis on clothing and big cars. The most outstanding effect has probably been on recreation. We do absolutely nothing together. Several cars provide adequate transportation for each of us to go wherever we prefer to spend our leisure. This pattern probably would not have evolved if we led a rural life.

I would prefer to raise my children in a community of 15,000 to 25,000. Our community of 2500 does not have a theater, a swimming pool, a library, or any facilities outside of the school. the most general and serious effect of a small town is that it limits your experience and thinking to a narrow perspective. Race relations have no meaning if you never known a negro or a Jew - Catholicism sounds distasteful if you have only been associated with it via a Protestant minister - current events have no relevance to the life of an isolated little village - contact with the peoples of the world is limited to the traveling ex-missionary who tells of tribal immorality, uncleanliness, poor sanitation and need for donations. This kind of existence gives you a very lop-sided perspective concerning your responsibility to, or worth to, society. This small centered life leads to marriage and child-bearing, but seldom stimulates an interest in higher education, art, the theatre, good literature or world affairs. Every day there seems to be new revelations unfolding to me in Sociology because I have judged things on past experience. This was naive, unenlightened past experience. I am not bitter for some advantages do accrue from this kind of life. If you are outstanding in an area you have early recognition for it without competing with several hundred other students. I believe this lends a feeling of security. If you know nothing about politics until you enter college perhaps you ward off the disillusionment that comes when you learn of the inherent graft and corruption in your government.

In a small town the social stratification is less clearly defined and there is more diffusion of different income and educational levels. This has advantages too in that you do not leave that town with a stigma attached to you because of poverty, nor a false sense of pride because your parents had a little money.

I must explain that education and income are not necessarily primary factors in placing you in a social class. The car you drive, the clothes you wear, and the house you live in are the important considerations. Thus it is that we are probably classified as lower-upper even though my father's income is very average and his educational level is below average. We drive big cars because he sells Pontiacs and Cadillacs, we have nice wardrobes because mother is a seamstress and we own a large house because we had a large family. Therefore we have the status-giving symbols which allow us to enjoy the prestige of a social class that would not claim us in a Sociology book. In some peoples' minds we are probably entitled to this class position because it was relegated to my mother's family. An interesting ramification of this misnomer in classification is the fact that the children are rising in status but not as judged by the larger society. Keith is an executive, Joy was a professional dancer, and her husband has a very good job, Sue married a professional golfer, and I wrought some achievements since I have come to college. If we were to stay in Baltimore our prestige would be enhanced, however mobility prevents this. So as we leave Baltimore we actually find ourselves in a lower class because the stratification is based on other factors. If our family had been a part of a large city I think we would not have been so well accepted by families of doctors, etc., so our status would have been lower initially but would rise with the second generation. (As it is we almost make a parallel move.)

The depression left deep scars on my father. He has a negative attitude about anything that costs over $10. Constantly he repeats "Prices will come down, don't waste your money, you have never lived through a depression." My sister has been married twelve years and if she had listened to Dad she still wouldn't have purchased furniture. He has harped on this subject for so long that we are immune to it thus it has affected us very little except when he holds the purse strings.

My father has never accepted the emancipation of women, since mother never had time to think of a career there was no trouble in this area until I began thinking about coming to college. My father said no! giving these two reasons: 1) it was financially impossible, 2) a woman doesn't need an education to keep house and raise children. Obviously I did not listen but it was with much disdain that he moved me into the Scholarship House. He takes the trite saying, "Keep them barefoot and pregnant," literally and actually believes that educated woman brings nothing but trouble to a man. Because I have been so fortunate in obtaining Scholarships, etc. he has mellowed but I don;t think he will ever see any real value in my education unless it be materialistically.

I believe I have made reference to societal context at various places throughout the paper so I will come to only a brief summation in stating that although my position is a high one in Baltimore I understand and accept a much lower one in "the larger society."